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The Hard Sayings of Jesus: Hate your own father and mother


God said in the fifth of his Ten Commandments: “You shall honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12). For thousands of years God’s people knew they were to respect, love, and honor their parents. But then Jesus gave this seemingly contradictory instruction, to hate those dear to us. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26). How can we understand these two commands together?

What Jesus is doing here is explaining the correct priorities for our lives. When he says we must hate our closest relatives he does not mean to hate them in an absolute sense. Rather, he means we should hate them only in comparison to himself. He is saying, if you want to follow Jesus, then you must put him first in your life. Dad and mom, spouse and children, brothers and sisters, all fall behind Jesus in importance. Jesus is serious about this! Everyone must fall behind Christ in our priorities. Even our own life and desires come after him. 

Jesus lived this way. When his family tried to gain access to him while he was teaching, he continued teaching, prioritizing his service for his Heavenly Father over his own mother and brothers. “Then his mother and his brothers came to him, but they could not reach him because of the crowd. And he was told, ‘Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, desiring to see you.’  But he answered them, ‘My mother and my brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it’” (Luke 8:19-21). 

This does not mean that Jesus did not deeply love his family, but rather that he held his Heavenly Father in highest priority. When it was time to love and serve his mother, Mary, he did. On the cross as he hung dying Jesus demonstrated his deep compassion for his mother, entrusting her to the care of his best friend, the Apostle John. “Then he said to the disciple, ‘Behold, your mother!’ And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home” (John 19:27). Yes, God his Father was his highest priority, but he truly honored his earthly mother and father. 

Why does Jesus teach us this hard priority? First, he is asserting that he is worthy to be primary in our lives before all earthly relationships. In effect, with this command he was affirming the first of the Ten Commandments, affirming that he is God Himself, worthy of our highest regard, love, and worship. “You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3). 

Second, Jesus calls us to put him first in our lives, before all earthly loves, because our lives work best when we live by the right priorities. We all have experienced or observed living with disordered priorities and their deadly impact. Those who put work before their family often sorrowfully discover that they lose their family. Those who put money before people may end up with money, but lonely. 

Jesus tells us to put him before all other relationships in the world because, as God, that is where he rightly belongs. When we hold him in highest regard—worshipping and serving him before all others or even ourselves—we may then experience the blessings of following God’s priorities for life. “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you” (Matt. 6:33). With Christ as the center of our lives, God adds to our lives his blessings, not always with the easiest life, but the best one. As the Psalmist sung: “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).

While this saying sounds hard, once we understand what Jesus asks of us, we realize that he is loving us by making known to us the path of life, that in his presence we may find fullness of joy.